And if I fall
by Thalassina
Summary: He was the last person she wanted to see right now. But then again, she had never missed him more. (Modern AU)


**A/N: Another thing I wrote during NaNoWriMo. Honestly, it took me longer to find a title than to write the whole thing.**

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Stuffy air and the smell of stale beer first greeted her when they entered the bar.

Locked arm in arm between her two friends and roommates, Astrid felt like a prisoner. Heather and Ruff probably thought she might bolt as soon as they let go of her, like a captured boar on its way to a forced fun night out. She wouldn't admit it, but her friends were smart.

Sighing in her final defeat, she let herself be guided through the crowd. Usually, she would have dressed up, and looking at the crowd, she decided she was the most underdressed of all of them. Even the regulars sipping their usual whiskey at the bar wore fancier outfits than she did.

"I think I just saw a free table in that corner over there," Ruff yelled over the noise of the music and the many voices. They changed their direction, weaving through the crowd, Astrid still locked in between them.

All at once, Heather stopped in her tracks, making the other girls stumble. Astrid glared at her and Ruffnut threw her a questioning look.

"Shit," was all Heather said before she threw Ruffnut a look and made attempts to turn the three of them in the other direction, but only further received another glare and confused look. With her head, she pointed somewhere in front of them. Her friends followed her eyes and Ruff cursed.

Right there in front of them, only a few feet away, stood the very reason Ruff and Heather had seen it necessary to drag Astrid out of the apartment in the first place, sick of her moping around in sweatpants every night.

Astrid wanted to look away and ignore him, she really did. But her body seemed to have other plans. Rooted to the spot, she could do nothing but stare at him. At his tall, wiry frame and his unruly hair. Her fingers twitched at the memory of running them through the soft, thick strands. His freckled face was illuminated by the phone in his hand; the look in his eyes was concentrated as he looked up and let them wander over the crowd in search. When he found what or who he'd been looking for, he waved over their heads, a small smile lighting up his expression.

Astrid gulped. She was a strong, independent woman, for Thor's sake! There was no need for her heart to beat that fast just because he was here. Her stomach shouldn't simultaneously be full of flutters and twisted in knots, and her breath was not supposed to become that shallow when he suddenly came her way.

"Oh no, he's coming over," Heather whisper-shouted, and Astrid still couldn't tear her eyes from him. She bit her lip and groaned inwardly. _Get your shit together, Astrid!_ she yelled at herself. _You're a Hofferson, you don't run around crying over a guy!_

Ruffnut was studying her closely with rare concerned eyes. "Yeah, let's bounce."

But it was already too late. They didn't even manage to turn around when he suddenly stood before them. His eyes widened slightly the moment he saw her. Even in the artificial light of a second-rate bar on the edge of downtown Berk they were the greenest eyes she had ever seen.

For several seconds, neither of them said a word, until Ruff coughed awkwardly. "Hello, Haddock."

Hiccup glanced at her shortly before looking back at Astrid and clearing his throat. "Hey."

Astrid hated how her heart skipped a beat just by hearing his voice. "Hi," she managed to say, her own voice sounding less weak than she had feared.

"How, how are you?" He put his hands in the pocket of his jacket, shuffling his feet awkwardly.

"I'm fine, thanks." Was that a miniscule tremble in her voice?! Astrid mentally punched herself. _Don't show weakness!_ "You?"

He needed a second to comprehend her question, an awkward reddish tinge covering his cheeks and ears. "I'm, yeah. Good. I mean." No longer able to constrain his natural habit of gesticulating, his hands escaped his pockets and he waved them around in an attempt to sound and look casual. "I mean, I'm good. Thanks. You? No, wait, we already did you."

Beside her, Ruffnut groaned. Heather made a face as if she had just taken a huge bite out of a lemon.

The awkward silence stretched for what felt like hours, maybe even a few eternities, in which Hiccup wouldn't really meet her eyes, rocking back and forth on his heels.

"Well," Astrid finally said.

"Well," he repeated.

"It was nice seeing you."

"Yep," he said, popping the 'p'. For another eternal moment, nobody said anything, until Hiccup nodded one last time, gave them all an awkward wave and disappeared in the crowd.

As soon as he was gone, Astrid put her face in her hands and let out a long, frustrated groan. "That was a disaster!"

Ruffnut cackled. "You can say that again. You should have seen your faces, dude!"

Astrid lifted her head from its hideout in the palm of her hands and glared at her friend. "Thanks."

Heather put a hand on her shoulder to get her attention. "Do you want to leave? We can go to a different place."

A stubborn flame flared up inside her. What, she should run away now? Just because her ex-boyfriend who she still had feelings for was in the same room as her? She could handle that; she was no pathetic little girl.

"No, we're staying," she insisted, took a deep breath and headed for the next empty table. Her friends shared another concerned look, but then shrugged and followed her.

Astrid ordered herself a beer with the confidence of a woman who didn't still feel all mushy inside from one interaction with Hiccup Haddock. Judging by the look on the bartender's face, it came across as angry, but she supposed it was just as good that her ability to glare had not suffered from her failed relationship. The only thing she should probably change was the message she was sending with it.

One and a half beers later, her nerves had finally calmed down. She'd cleverly sat with her back to _him_, making it hard for her to keep glancing at him and ruining her plan to enjoy the night despite his presence. More relaxed now, she opened her jacket in the warm room. Which she regretted immediately.

"Are you fucking serious?!" Heather looked at her with an incredulous scowl.

"What?" Astrid followed Heather's line of sight and found it directed at the t-shirt she was wearing underneath her jacket. Throwing her friend a challenging look back, she crossed her arms over her chest.

While Heather just shook her head disappointedly, Ruff caught on as well. "Dude, you're still wearing that?! I told you to burn it!"

"And I told you that I won't burn a perfectly good piece of clothing!" When her friends kept scolding her with their looks, she counted on her fingers, "He never came to take it back, it's comfy, the color looks good on me, and it doesn't even smell like him anymore so it's neither creepy nor pathetic."

"Throw it away."

"No."

"Yes."

"No, Ruff!"

"Throw. It. Away. Or I will steal it and burn it in the sink so that whenever you're in the kitchen, you'll be reminded of your pitiful behavior. It will forever haunt you that you so pathetically whined after a guy."

"Ruff is right," Heather chimed in. "Not about the burning stuff in our sink thing, she can do that in her brother's house. I mean that it's not like you to be so hung up over a guy."

Astrid stared at her hands on the table. "Believe me, I don't want this, either. I don't know why it's so hard for me this time."

"And I still don't understand what went wrong," Ruffnut said. "You guys were so disgustingly happy and then all of a sudden, you're breaking up? What happened there? Did one of you cheat? Did you realize that his dick was too small?"

Astrid gave Ruff's leg a hard kick under the table and ignored her cry of pain.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Why, because I hit home with the dick thing?"

"Do you want me to kick you again?"

"You didn't deny it."

Astrid threw her hands up. "For fuck's sake, Ruff, his dick was fine!" she yelled and several people turned their heads. She glared at all of them until they looked away.

"So you're saying it was _too big_ for your- _ow_!" Ruffnut bent down to massage her shin.

"You're insufferable sometimes." Astrid knew her friend would proudly show her the leg the next morning, rating the blues and greens on her own weird _Scale for the_ _Awesomeness of Injuries_.

"If you don't want to talk to us," Heather brought the conversation back on track, "then you should at least talk to him. Get yourself some closure."

Astrid frowned. "How would I know if he even wants to talk to me? You saw and heard that train wreck of a conversation earlier with your own eyes and ears."

Heather sighed. "Because he keeps looking at you."

Astrid couldn't stop herself. As soon as the words had left Heather's mouth, she turned around and immediately locked eyes with _him_. She knew it was impossible to see his vibrant green irises from this distance, but in that brief second before he realized she had caught him staring and quickly averted his face, she remembered the feeling of sinking into his eyes as if she was lying on the ground in the forest, gazing up at the tree tops in the midst of a sunny summer day. _Oh, she was so screwed._ The butterflies returned, immediately creating a frenzy and sending a pang through her chest.

She turned back around and murmured, as nonchalantly as possible, "Whatever."

"At least consider it?" She knew that Heather wouldn't drop this subject as long as Astrid didn't give her a straight answer.

"Fine, I will." Astrid rolled her eyes. She appreciated that her friends were concerned for her and took her feelings seriously, but she'd rather bury these emotions and never talk about them again.

Satisfied, Heather and Ruffnut finally changed the topic and Astrid inwardly sighed in relief. She sipped at her beer, listening to the other girls rating the creepiness of the people around them and concocting the best fake plans to 'kill them'. She grinned despite her gloomy mood. Discussing which weapon to use in which situation and how to best smuggle it past any security was something she could get behind.

When there was only foam left in her bottle, she pushed her chair back and stood up. "I'mma head to the bathroom," she announced.

"Want another one?" Ruff asked and pointed at her empty beer.

"Sure," she shrugged and left the table.

The Astrid that stared back at her in the bathroom mirror while she washed her hands looked good. She didn't have that layer of sadness in her eyes anymore that kept sneaking back in, no matter how hard she fought against it. She was an emotionally driven person, but that didn't mean that she had any control over it, and that was the part that she hated.

The lines of exhaustion from the constant exercise she had used to distract her with had disappeared from her face; fresh laugh lines had taken their place. _She felt fine_.

Giving herself a last determined nod and a self-encouraging smile in the mirror, she wiped her hands on the paper towels and left the bathroom. When she emerged from the narrow hallway back into the main area of the bar, the first thing she heard was Ruff's piercing laughter. Astrid followed the noise and found her friend standing with a group of people near the counter, flirtingly posing at the table they were gathered around. Heather was leaning against a different table close by, texting on her phone, showing zero interest in the people before her.

Astrid couldn't help but notice it was the same table she had seen Hiccup at earlier, but his seat was vacated. An unwanted feeling of disappointment swept through her which she immediately pushed down.

She didn't want to join these people. Chances were that he hadn't left and would return any minute, and she didn't want to awkwardly stand by while their friends were chumming it up. But she couldn't return to their former table since it was already occupied by some strangers. It seemed like the only two options she had were to either go home or to submit to a very unpleasant situation with her ex she would rather avoid.

Sighing in frustration, she resolved to give herself another pep talk in the mirror of the tiny bathroom. But she didn't even get that far. When she turned around, she bumped into another body just leaving the dimly lit hallway.

"Sorry," she reflexively said, in unison with the other person. She locked eyes with a young man with auburn hair and a sharp jaw. _Ah, crap._

"Oh hey, uh, Astrid. Hi, Astrid, hey. Hey, Astrid," Hiccup stuttered, suddenly finding the wallpaper behind her extremely fascinating while he started rubbing his neck. Astrid hated how endearing she still thought his awkwardness was.

"Hey." Maybe she could escape this encounter before it became even more unpleasant.

"I'm, um, gonna go now," he said, pointing towards his friends.

"Okay."

He hesitated for a couple of seconds before he shot her one last glance and slowly started to walk away. Astrid bit her lip as a sudden gut feeling made a decision for her.

"Hey, Hiccup?" she called after him. He turned around on the spot, and if she wasn't so sure the dim light was affecting her vision, she would have thought his expression was almost hopeful.

"Yes?"

She could still abandon this ship, tell him it was nothing, or that she wished him a good life or some of that crap. But she wasn't a Hofferson if she didn't go through with this now.

"Why didn't we work out?"

Confusion slowly spread over his features as his brain processed the question. "Uh, you did," was what he finally said. "At least three times a week."

Now it was Astrid's turn to be confused, brain working unusually slowly in such proximity to Hiccup. The realization of the misunderstanding dawned on them at the same time.

"That was not what you meant." A fierce blush crept over his face and his eyes widened in horror. He groaned in embarrassment and wiped his hands over his face, then through his hair. "Oh god, please kill me now. Take your axe and- and- _uuh_-"

She had to bite her lip to keep herself from laughing. Hiccup was usually so clever and witty, had a sarcastic remark to everything, always a few steps ahead of most people in the room. _Work out_.

Not able to hold herself together any longer, she burst into fits of giggles, starting anew every time she looked at him and the ridiculousness of the situation dawned on her once more. After a minute, she could see the corners of his mouth twitch and his shoulders shake from repressed laughter, until he joined in.

Wiping a few tears from her eyes, Astrid took a deep breath to calm down. It felt like the ice was breaking, the old comfortable easiness between them returning.

She pushed her bangs out of her face and met his eyes. "Seriously, though. What happened?"

Hiccup's face went serious again, the twinkle in his eyes disappearing. He looked down and shrugged. "Don't know."

"Really?"

He sighed. "I guess I just… I just realized that you weren't in it as much as I was."

"What do you mean?" she asked and scowled.

"I mean, well, I mean that- that- that I liked you more than you liked me." When she heard that, Astrid's stomach dropped. "I… I could see us going places, while you, you seemed like you didn't want it to become that serious." He finally met her eyes, and the hurt she saw in them hit her right in the chest.

"Excuse me," a voice behind them startled them out of the moment, "I would very much like to go to the toilet." A middle-aged man was impatiently tapping his foot at the entrance of the hallway, and Hiccup and Astrid realized they were blocking the way.

"Sorry," Hiccup said and stepped aside to let the man through. "I think we're done here, anyway." He made attempts to walk away, but Astrid wouldn't just let him go like that. Not before she had told him the truth. So she grabbed his hand and pulled him down the hallway, past the doors to the bathrooms, until they reached the end where a fake plant in a vase with fading colors was collecting dust on a small table.

Clutching his hand in hers, she looked him dead in the eye. There was no backing out now.

"Astrid, what-"

"I have to tell you something."

"O- okay…" She didn't like the frown on his face. She wanted him to smile, wanted his eyes to brighten again. Didn't want him to look at her like he could see the insecurity in her eyes, like he was concerned about her, or what she was possibly about to say.

Opening her mouth was the first step. She wanted to do this, wanted to tell him. Wanted him to know how she felt, even if she had to reveal a weakness. Because she had always felt safe with Hiccup, had always known that she could trust him. It had always been so easy to be herself around him. There was nothing she had to hide from him. He'd never laughed at her, never not taken her seriously. Which was one of the reasons she loved him so much. And she did. Because that's what it all came down to, wasn't it? The nights lying awake in the dark with that tight feeling in her chest? Missing him during every little mundane activity, even if it was a task such as cleaning the toilet? Setting back her entire progress of getting over him in the space of one minute of talking to him? There was something about him that kept drawing her back in, something that made him so different from everyone else, something indescribable but utterly _Hiccup_.

She stood up straight. _Now, Astrid._ "I was afraid."

Several miniscule emotions rushed over his face and through his eyes, too fast for her to determine.

"Afraid? Of, of me?" He tried to pull his hand back, but she held onto it, and used her other to give him a punch on the arm.

"Not of you, you muttonhead!"

"Then what…?"

"I was afraid of committing to a serious relationship." There. She said it. Unconsciously, she held her breath as she waited for his reaction.

"So… I was right."

That was not what she'd expected to hear.

"Well… In a way…" She wanted to tell him! Then why was it so hard? Desperately searching for the right words, she didn't realize she was tightening her grip on his hand until he shifted his fingers, or rather tried to. When she loosened her crushing clasp, she felt his thumb brush over her knuckles encouragingly. Adoration for him flooded her heart and the words just bubbled out of her.

"I'm not good at talking about my feelings. But I want you to know that I didn't end it because I didn't have feelings for you anymore. It was actually quite the opposite. All the relationships I've been in over the years had never lasted long and they'd never made me feel the things you did – and still do. So when I realized exactly how much you mean to me, I felt… vulnerable and… and exposed. And when you started acting more distant – which I now know is my own undoing – I was afraid. Because if I went all in, I'd just end up getting hurt. So I ran." Her frown deepened. "Yes, that's true. I, Astrid Hofferson, ran from something because I was afraid."

He was just gaping at her. Was he waiting for her to say more? Did he need time to process what she had just told him? Didn't he know what to say? The silence made her feel even more exposed, naked in front of him. But finally talking about this took something heavy off her chest, something she hadn't even known had been making it hard for her to breath.

"I guess I'm so afraid of completely opening up to someone because of my parents. They were so happy when I was a kid, I'd always wanted what they had. But then they got divorced, and I saw what it did to them. I never wanted to get hurt like that. And then I met you and you were so different, you managed to break through my defenses and…" She took a deep breath and plucked up all her courage. _Now or never_. "And I fell in love with you," she let out in a rush, not brave enough to articulate everything properly, but enough to look him in the eyes afterwards.

What she saw made her toes tingle and her stomach flutter. There was no judgement, no resentment, no anger. He was gazing at her with deep affection, a soft fondness evident in his smile as he regarded her.

"I know I should have told you this sooner," she continued, "but-"

"It's okay," he interrupted her. "I could have talked to you, too. You're not the only one who was afraid of rejection and getting hurt."

She exhaled the tension from her chest and shook her head. "We're both idiots, aren't we." When she smiled back at him, she noticed he was blushing and couldn't help feeling lighter at the sight.

He took her other hand in his and stepped closer until she could count the freckles on his nose and under his eyes. "Are you still afraid?" he asked in a low voice. Her breath hitched, he was so close, and she couldn't stop her eyes from dropping to his lips every few seconds.

"I want to say that I'm not, but…" She trailed off, averting her face. What if, one day, he realized his feelings for her had disappeared? What if _she_ did, no matter how unlikely it seemed to her at the moment? But then again, what would she lose if she didn't take this step now? It was so unlike her to hesitate, to not face the fight head-on. And what was she even fighting here?

Hiccup gently cupped her cheek and guided her face back to him. "If it helps, I'll be afraid with you." And in that moment, she knew. Knew that she wanted to do this with him, knew that, no matter what, she could rely on him, could lean on him. She couldn't imagine a scenario in which she didn't let go of her security blanket, even if it meant she could get hurt in the process. So she took the plunge.

She closed the gap between them and, after weeks of hurting and missing and pining and dreaming, pressed her lips on his with vigor. He stumbled a step back but caught himself and kissed her back. One hand still on her cheek, he laid the other on her waist and pulled her closer. Her hands wandered over his torso and then further up, over his shoulders, the sides of his face, until they reached his hair. Her back hit the wall, the kiss growing more passionate with each shaky breath they took in-between kisses.

Astrid felt the tension and misery from the past weeks leave her with every clashing of lips, every meeting of tongues, every hot exhale on her skin, every tiny movement of his hands on her body. Breathing heavily, they parted, but she held him close. Standing up straight despite wobbly knees, she put her face in a determined expression.

"I love you. And I want to be with you."

His entire face lit up and with gleaming eyes, he leaned in to kiss her once more, but she pushed him back. "_But_ I need to know how you feel first."

Hiccup regarded her with an intense look and one corner of his mouth stretched into a lopsided smile. "Is that still not obvious?"

"I need you to say it."

"Okay." Her took both her hands in his again. "Astrid, I can't imagine my life without you in it anymore. I'm crazy about you. And, quite honestly, I… I think I've been in love with you since the day I met you."

Astrid didn't even try to fight the wide grin that broke out on her face. "Cheeseball," she teased.

"Hey, you wanted to know how I feel. You set the stage yourself."

She leaned up for another kiss, the sigh he breathed bouncing through her chest.

"I kind of want cheese now."

He gestured at himself. "Lucky for you, I am a cheeseball. Major Cheeseball, reporting for duty." He gave her a quick fake salute.

She rolled her eyes, unable to keep the smile from her face. "I mean cheese that I can eat."

He contemplated thinking for a moment before he smirked at her and wiggled his brows suggestively. She gave him a playful punch on the arm. "You know what I mean, you dork."

He took her hand and intertwined their fingers loosely. "Later then, alright. Now let's get you some cheese!" he exclaimed enthusiastically and started walking down the hallway in long steps, pulling her along.

She chuckled at his antics and fell into step beside him. "Then again, I could just listen to you talk to get my cheese."

"Ha ha."

"Cheese topped with sarcasm."

"Mmh, your favorite."

For some reason, Astrid wasn't surprised how easily they'd fallen back into their old dynamic. Interacting with Hiccup came so natural to her.

Maybe she would get hurt, maybe everything would work out perfectly fine. But no matter what, she would not go down without fighting to her final breath.

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**A/N: As always, let me know what you think! Reviews are highly appreciated. :)**


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